Fundamental Flaw with Capitalism|
Did you know?
Soup du Jour
Politically correct Christmas card to you!
A Man's Guide
Bible interpretations by children
The Bible in 50 Words!
No Grammar please, we're not British
Hospital waiting room
Dr Seuss' explanation of a computer crash
Life before Computers
Virus called 'work'
Murphy's laws of computing
Help desk form
MS versus GM
Seeing Eye Dog
The Rural Australian Thesaurus of Computer Terms!
Fundamental Flaw with Capitalism!
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . . . I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
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Did you know?
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.(de..feet)
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Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers, a can of spam and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he managed only a second placing.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.
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A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet.
He walks into the pet store and goes up to the shop assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'.
The shop assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'
The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table.
He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.'
Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.
'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch a TV show, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede.
'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself. 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says,
"Chill out, I heard you the first time, I'm just putting my shoes on..."
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Bill Gates eventually found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before.
In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Ah!" said God, "That was the screen saver!"
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Cinderella was 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish.
"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath.
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
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Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, "What are we going to do?"
The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a side street."
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Jimmy comes up to the border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Jimmy.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Jimmy overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Jimmy, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Jimmy.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Jimmy, and Jimmy crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Jimmy doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a pub.
"Hey," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Jimmy sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
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Soup du Jour
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
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Politically correct Christmas card to all of you!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AUSTRALIA" in the southern hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discetion of the wisher.)
....or simply...have a great Christmas everyone!!!
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A MAN'S GUIDE
TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY MEANS WHEN SHE SAYS...
"It's your decision" is "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" is "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" is "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" is "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"I heard a noise" is "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" is "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" is "I scratched the car."
"How much do you love me?" is "My mother's coming for the weekend."
"You have to learn to communicate." is "Just agree with me."
"Do you like this recipe?" is "It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling!" is "I am yelling because I think this is important."
"What time are we leaving?" is
"Take your shower now, I shall need the bathroom for at least three hours."
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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling and grammatical errors left as was.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS!
God made. Adam bit. Noah arked. Abraham split. Joseph ruled. Jacob fooled. Bush talked. Moses balked. Pharoah plagued. People walked. Sea divided. Tablets guided.
Promise landed. Saul freaked. David peeked. Prophets warned. Jesus born. God walked. Love talked. Anger crucified. Hope died. Love rose. Spirit flamed. Word spread.
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NO GRAMMAR PLEASE, WE'RE NOT BRITISH
It's enough to make a grammarian groan. The European Community - no stranger to tortured language itself - has collected some of the worst abuses of the Queen's English from around the world.
Take the Paris hotel that told guests: "Please leave your values at the desk."
Or the Bangkok dry cleaner's boast: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
And what did an Austrian ski resort mean when it urged guests "not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension"?
Dozens of such gems have been compiled by travelling EC translators since July, when they were asked to look out for examples of odd English. Others were taken from published collections. The EC's compilation shows English is spoken widely but not always well.
An Acapulco hotel, for instance reassured guests about the drinking water: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
A Tokyo hotel, seemingly relaxed about morals, said: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
But a sign at a German campsite warned: "It is strictly forbidded on our campsite that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
A temple in Bangkok warned visiting tourists: "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man."
A Rome doctor specialised in "women and other diseases" and a Swedish furrier, offered coats "made for ladies from their own skin".
In Tokyo, a car rental agency offered these instructions to clients: "When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
For people suffering toothache in Hong Kong, a dentist advertised tooth extractions "using the latest Methodists".
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* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ...
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? ...
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ...
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? ...
* Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? ...
* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? ...
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? .
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? ...
*What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. ..
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? ...
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ...
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ..
* No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning..
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
* Imponderables ... If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ...
* If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from Diarrhoea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................................The study of paintings
Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.
Catscan...........................Searching for kitty
Cauterize.........................Made eye contact with her.
Caesarian Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome.
Colic.................................A sheep dog
Coma...............................A punctuation mark
D & C................................Where Washington is
Dilate................................To live long
Enema..............................Not a friend
Fester...............................Quicker than someone else
Fibula................................A small lie
H.I. Series........................World series of military baseball
Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on
Impotent............................Distinguished, well known
Labour pain......................Getting hurt at work
Medical staff.....................A Doctor's cane
Morbid...............................A higher offer than one bid
Nitrates.............................Cheaper than day rates
Node..................................I knew it
Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted
Pap smear........................A fatherhood test
Pelvis.................................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post operative..................A letter carrier
Recovery room.................Place to do upholstery
Rectum..............................Damn near killed him
Tablet.................................A small table
Terminal illness..............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour..............................More than one.
Urine..................................Opposite of you're out
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A young boy had just got his driving licence. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
They again went into the father's study where the father said,
"Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said,
"Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, a doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he looked at the worried looks on the relatives faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, which has an element of risk, and you would have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat in silence as they absorbed the news. After some time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor answered, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment became awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor replied, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."
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I received a letter from Grandma last week. She writes:
“The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly exhilarated that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...., and I didn't notice that the light had changed to green.
It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
“For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing.... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this was when I noticed that the lights had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters, grinning at them, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So, I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
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DR SEUSS' EXPLANATION OF COMPUTER CRASH
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gas,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mum!
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Be grateful God doesn't have voice mail.....
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right
now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter
his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you get
a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3-1-6
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a.m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Have a blessed day!
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LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS:
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file
If you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste - you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
Though no one's been killed in a computer crash
When it happens they'ld wish they were dead!
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A New Virus Called "Work"
Warning: There is a new virus going around, called "work."
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough ... I'm off to the pub."
The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive"work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can.
Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch).
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
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Murphy's Laws Of Computing
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
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Finally, A New And Truly Useful Help Desk Form
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Shot __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
17. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________________
18. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
19. If "nothing," explain why you were logged in.
20. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
21. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
22. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. How does this problem make you feel?
28. Tell me about your childhood.
29. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
30. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
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AND NOW BACK TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED--y0k:
Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?
This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.
I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening.
He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.
He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrahard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans.
It's an ill wind....
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y0K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
And if you have any ideas, please let me know.
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THE Y1K CRISIS
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise?
Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned?
Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost.
In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury.
"What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God.
Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion.
Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile.
We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments.
Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.
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Y To K Problem
TO: Y2K COORDINATOR
FROM: JUNIOR PROGRAMMER
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because to be honest, none of the Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate, I have finished converting all of the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
The days will now be:
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CARRY-ON BAGGAGE - An item of unusually large dimensions that only fits under the seat when traveling to your destination, never on your return trip home. (Refrigerators, motorcycles, console TVs and Toyotas are not considered acceptable carry on baggage.)
FLIGHT SCHEDULE - An entertaining fictional work designed to provide a place for advertising local businesses.
PRE-BOARD - Any passenger who needs assistance with boarding, who arrives at the gate 5 minutes before departure time.
PASSENGER - A herding creature of widely varying intelligence, usually found in pairs or small groups. They are sometimes known to become vicious and violent in simple, easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused, creatures collect into a group called a line . . . with no set pattern, often formed in very inconvenient places. Passengers often fall into one of four known species: Paxus Iratus, Paxus Latus, Paxus Inebriatus, or Paxus Stupifi.
SIGN - An airport decoration which usually goes unnoticed except by small children.
A T C - A game played by pilots and air traffic controllers. Neither group knows the rules, but it is played to prevent flights from being on time.
"THIS POSITION CLOSED" - "CLOSED" - or "NEXT POSITION" - A ticket counter sign interepreted by passengers to mean: "Form Line Here".
FOG - A natural weather phenomenon usually occurring around airports while surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by airlines to delay flights.
AGENT - A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of a pack of pedigree Australian sheepdog, the understanding of a psychoanalyst, the extra-sensory abilities of Uri Geller, the tact of Henry Kissinger, mystical abilities to control wind, rain, and fog, and the ability to answer 3 questions at the same time out of 1 mouth. In later life, usually seen in bars or carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves in parks rest homes.
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MS versus GM
At a historic computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
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Seeing Eye Dog (true story)
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!
. . . . . . . The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
. . . . . . . People scattered.
. . . . . . . They tried to change planes AND airlines!
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You know that you've had too much of the '90's when:
*You try to enter your password on the microwave.
*You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted"
*You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
*You consider next-day air delivery painfully slow.
*You email your son in his room to tell him dinner is ready,
and he emails you back: "What's for dinner?"
*Your daughter sells Girl Guides biscuits via her web site.
*You chat several times a day with a stranger from Iceland,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour for 10 years.
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THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMS
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - where you hang the ute, and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing
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Dilbert's Advice - Top 25
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
21. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
22. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
23. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
24. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
25. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
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