If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates
can make a woman gain 5 pounds.
My mind not only wanders it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town
is that when you don't know what your're doing,
someone else does.
The older you get,
the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Skinny people irritate me!
Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You've got to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch...do it and die."
I gave up jogging for my health
when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that
they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit
into their stuff.
You hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Enthusiasm is the spark that puts enjoyment in our live's